What is the meaning of this?

Warning: the links in this post may be rated R

The story behind my blog name: A wife of a friend of ours has a nickname that combines 'mother' with her last name like this: Mo(ther) + Ho(the rest of her last name) to equal MoHo.
So my nickname is MoCo - I usually use MoCove for my nickname online. So MoInk is a variation of that which means Mo(re)Ink. Well, my daughter looked up Moink in the urban dictionary. I like number 1 because it could possibly replace the f-word. That would make my blog traffic tremendous, wouldn't it! Also, number 3 is good because, well, I'm a bit crazy like mentally ill crazy. But I would also say the urban dictionary crazy.

Drop Kick Murphys

. . . are my new favorite punk band. They are punk meets folk, if you can believe it. They cover traditional folk! So imagine the simplicity, the purity of folk music. No drumming, just strumming. All acoustic. . . . the original unplugged versions of everything. Songs from the common folk of the world, for the common folk. Take this music and add it ALL - DRUMS, LOTS OF ELECTRIC GUITARS AND REALLY BIG REALLY LOUD SPEAKERS. Then for my favorite part - a guy who plays the bagpipes among lots of other traditional instruments. That's the Drop Kick Murphys. I love them!

Of course, I have to credit my son with turning me on to this band. He asked for their latest CD for Christmas and we've been listening to it in the car driving back and forth to school.

Thanks Chris!

January's Travel News

At the end of this month, hubby and I are going to Europe! One week of working for him in Luxembourg will be sandwiched in between weekends in Paris. This will be our third trip - hard to believe, I know! Paris is a very famous city in France, so I'll tell you a bit about Luxembourg.

Luxembourg is one of the smallest countries in Europe nestled between Belgium, France, and Germany. (Lichtenstein is the smallest country, or principality) This small country played a mighty role in WWII and has excellent monuments and museums. General George Patton's grave is in Luxembourg.




The country is ruled by a Grand Duchy. But the most excellent place in the country and the best kept secret is the Sporthotel Leweck.

Last time we stayed there, our suite had a view of the Bourscheid Castle.

Now, how very, very fortunate am I??

Post No. 1

. . . of the new year! For Christmas, loving hubby gave me my very own laptop! Now I have the best computer in the house. Of course, I aim to blog more often and improve my blogging skills. (not this very minute, though)

The holidays are over, the guests are gone, and there are still leftovers. We were busy here and a few of us passed around a crappy flu which I'm still trying to recover from. After we counted down to 2008 with Dick Clark, I had to go have a moment. Last year when I saw Dick Clark on TV, I was hopeful for my dad's recovery. This year was a reminder that dad is gone and I really miss him and think about him often.

Our granddaughters are wonderful, cute, funny, and we love them so much! Avah had her 1st birthday last week.

one red paperclip

Kyle Macdonald traded one red paperclip for something better and then traded that item, etc, etc until he had traded up to a house. His great story is in the new book One Red Paperclip which I read in three days. Kyle's story is inspiring and his writing is fresh and funny. Each chapter is about a trade - only 14 to get from paperclip to house! And then the great finale which I won't ruin for you, but let's say it's bigger and better than the house

There's Nothing Wrong with Napping

I KNEW it!! I take a long nap every day that I can.
I found this on Gizmundo where there's
Good News and Positive Stories ... Served Daily
and don't we all need more of that?

The Goonies

I love The Goonies. Also the Princess Bride - both have "Where are they now" articles on this link. Another Goonies movie would be great! These two have made it to my DVD collection which I am very particular about. It is a very small collection.

Suicide by Hillary

My mother-in-law on talk radio:

My doctor was in a rock band last week

Last Monday, my son and I went to the doctor with sinus infections. The doctor commented on my son's punk rock t-shirt saying, 'their drummer is sick.' Turns out he is a drummer. In a rock band. AND had CD's at the checkout desk and said we could have one. The group is called altered and CD title is Dreaming Awake. Of course, as soon as I listen to the CD (it's good) and check out their MySpace, I read this bulletin:

After almost four years and one amazing & crazy ride, ALTERED is
stepping away from the music scene.

Nice. I'm a few days late. But hey, they have free downloads so check it out!

Brought to your attention by Mocove

Two of my favorite blogs each had a great post. girlfriday refers to our fear of talking about sex in her post You Might Feel Dirty Reading this Post . And on BookLust for Silly Poetry Friday, there's this gem by Dorothy Parker:

General Review Of The Sex Situation

Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty.
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten, and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?

Babies

It's the Little One (Rae) and the Big One (Avah). The cousins. The Camo Cousins. Sometimes referred to as twins by extremely confused strangers. They are cute, cuddly and drool a lot. I love them so much, it's amazing!

My crazy mother is driving me crazy

Mom is having a tough time at the nursing home - mostly from narcotic withdrawal. She calls a dozen times a day to complain about the staff - the nurses don't give her meds on time; they took all her over-the-counter meds; they aren't helping with her incontinence; someone stole money from her room; she doesn't sleep; she needs money; she's mad at my sister; she wants to review her will; she wants a new doctor. She may be able to get into independent living when the facility is medicaid approved, but that could be a while. She has bipolar and schizo affective disorders, Parkinson's, diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid imbalance, arthritis and a wide variety of aches, pains and complaints. I do not doubt that she doesn't feel good but she has been like this for over 30 years. If I run there (a 45 min. drive) to bring her stuff, money and meet with the staff, have lunch with her and spend 3-4 hours, she'll need the whole routine repeated. If I try to avoid her by not returning her calls, she gets desperate, angry, crying, leaving the same detailed message over and over. My psychologist says she's a manipulator. I need to set boundaries because it's spiralling out of control.

What Kind of Sandwich are You?

We've all heard about the 'sandwich generation' - those of us who have elderly parents who need care and children who are needing us for various reasons. I can relate to that - so if they are the outside - are they bread? Whole grain? Kaiser roll? Do they suck us dry with their absorbancy? Or hold onto us by having us in their pocket? If we are the inside, what kind of stuff are we? lunch meat? pb&j? Are we supplying valuable nutrients? Do we compliment our outside layers without overpowering? Or do we get too wrapped up trying to control how everything goes together? Are we stuck like cement or can we move about freely?

Living in a sandwich situation is stressful. There may be no escape, so coping adequately is important. Recently, I had to neglect my mom to take care of my daughter. Today I went to the nursing home and met with the social worker, the director of nursing, the business office and physical therapy to touch base, iron out problems, ask questions, placate mom mostly. She was having great difficulty with pain medication - wanting more and more narcotics. I thought we had cleared it up for her, but she's called 3 times tonight to say nothing had changed. She's just not going to be happy and I'm going to have to hear about it. She says all kinds of stuff that's not happening, but when I confront her she doesn't back down. This is part of her bipolar/schizo affective disorder. Her side of the sandwich is a crusty, moldy, nasty piece that makes me sick. I don't like to be around, but I deal with what I have to and not let her know how I really feel. Sounds like time for a trip to the psychologist for me!

My daughter's side is high maintenance, but not irritating. She needs support and help right now while recovering and her husband being gone for National Guard training until October. She is doing her best, trying hard and pulling her weight in the situation. She takes care of the baby - they are still nursing after all this.

Of course, what I'd like to be is an Oreo sandwich cookie, but you can't have everything you want - at least not all the time.

Missing Dad

The thing about the first Father's Day without dad is that this time last year we were all at the Outer Banks here. We had a hat and jacket made for dad that said 'Ernie' as a joke from the fishing charter trip the year before where the captain kept calling out to dad 'God damn it Ernie - get your bait in the water!' We put the hat in his casket. My brothers and I went to the cemetery yesterday. That's the first time I've been to a cemetery to visit - not attending a funeral. There's no headstone yet and there's grass starting to grow there. It's really not a place that I would 'visit' dad. It makes me think about the casket, the funeral home, and dad being sick. One of my step-brothers and his family went to the Outer Banks for vacation this year - now there's a place to be visiting and reminiscing. Hopefully, we'll be able to go next year. It will be different, but life is different now with dad gone and grand babies here. Life is changing all the time. Sometimes it takes me a while to rest in order catch up to the changes.

Catching Up

Since the last post, it's been crisis mode. My daughter had a hard time with her labor and delivery. She pushed for 4 hours after her epidural wore off and ended up having to get a c-section. A week after she came home, we took her back to the hospital(not the same one she delivered at). She had clotting, an infection and a ruptured uterus. She had to have surgery to remove the infection and clotting and repair her uterus. She had to get 4 units of blood during the surgery. They put a couple drains in and she had wounds on each side of the incision to heal from the inside out. She had 21 staples in her incision. Her temperature kept spiking and an infectious disease specialist came to take care of her antibiotics. A hematologist was called to evaluate her low platelet count. The hospital stay was 13 long days and nights since we had the baby there. She continued to nurse as much as possible and the baby stayed overnight. Someone had to be there round the clock, so I was the day shift and her hubby spent the nights with them. She is home now and I change her dressings and give her 2 IV antibiotics through her PIC line. The ob/gyn will see her Friday and the infectious disease doc will see her a week from Monday.

Poor kid - 20 years old and any future pregnancies will have to be closely monitored. She is not feeling well at all and I'm afraid this isn't over. It was agony to see her in so much pain during labor. We are all very unhappy with how her labor and delivery was handled and that she was sent home having had a temperature that day and a low blood count. Her husband leaves for National Guard training a week from tomorrow (as if she doesn't have enough going on).

Meanwhile, mom is freaking at the nursing home. I didn't return calls until yesterday. The doc is weaning her off pain pills (Oxycontin) and she is frantic. She still gets vicodin and all her psych meds. Based on prior experience, she is having a manic episode. The more my daughter and brother were ill, the more things she needed.

My brother ended up in the hospital the last few weeks of his cancer treatment. He had so much pain and was home alone for the most part, so being at the hospital kept him hydrated and gave him resources for pain management. He is home now and his treatments are over, but I haven't talked to him because of being busy with my daughter. It will take a while for him to start feeling better and being able to eat again.

I cut my hours at the library from 14 to 4/wk. My boss suggested just working Monday evenings instead of quitting altogether, so I took her up on it. I haven't been to work for a couple weeks anyhow. School is out which means I don't have to drop off/pick up my son every day. I've been really missing dad - it's hard to be going through this without being able to talk to him. Thank God for my husband who is so understanding and often asks what he can do to help me - he's given back rubs, done laundry, cleaned house, whatever I've needed. And this whole time I'm away from home. Yesterday I finally made it to the grocery store. Right before everyone starved, too!

And one bright spot - my son got a pet rat since his room has been clean for a few weeks (my husband cleaned it using the rake) so we are watching them bond. Hopefully, it won't get loose in the house - the cat and dog would have fun, but I would not like it.

Raelynn Alexandra

Here she is!!!

She was born 3:13 am Monday morning May 7, 2007. She weighed 6 lbs 10.8oz and is 20 inches long. There's more to the story, but it will have to wait for later. We love her!

Chemotherapy with my Brother

Yesterday I went to chemo with my brother. He's being treated for throat cancer which started with surgery to remove a growth on his throat, tonsil on that side plus lymph nodes in the area. The following week he had a feeding tube put in and since his stomach is under his ribs, needed to go to the hospital for the procedure. That was the night Dad died. My little brother and my sister-in-law had to go to the hospital and tell him the following morning. So he was to start treatment the following week, but we had calling hours and the funeral. He didn't take his meds before the first treatment and was pretty sick but got squared away on that now. He's getting 6 weeks of radiation 5 times/week and chemo on Fridays. Last Friday his wife was off for spring break and was there. The Friday before he went by himself. First he goes for radiation treatment which doesn't take too long and then to the cancer treatment center. They have small partitioned booths with an easy chair, a visitor chair, a TV and a small hospital type night stand. He already had his IV in his hand. They gave him 4 bags of stuff - the chemo (2 bags), anti-nausea med and saline. It takes 3-1/2 hours for all that to drip, one bag at a time.

He was glad I was there to help pass the time. I can be pretty chatty. OK, I can chat up a storm. We watch some funny sitcoms and fishing and Jerry Lewis in The Nutty Professor. I went to the cafeteria and got him some pudding and oatmeal. He says his throat is stiff, it's hard to chew stuff, he's lost his appetite and is nauseous a lot. So far, his main side effect is being tired. They were going to deliver his feeding tube food so he could start on that since he's lost weight. Hopefully, that will give him a little energy. I could tell he was scared and depressed. I'll be there next Friday.

Patent # 6551086

Years ago, when I worked as a tire engineer at Goodyear, I got a patent. Well, along with a bunch of other engineers. But still - pretty cool, huh?

The Swiss Alps

My favorite part of our trip to Europe. The clean, crisp air cleared my head. Remote, snow-covered and not reachable by vehicles, the mountains were everywhere - all-consuming.

Here I sit on a terrace in the village of Murren enjoying some hot ovaltine - YUM!

Honduras Scuba Diving

Hubby with the resort bird.

Hubby & stepson under the sea.

Happy Easter

Luke 23:34

And Jesus said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." And they cast lots to divide his garments.

Kind of like my Easter. We're starting to work on mom's apartment - cleaning out clutter, dividing up her stuff. It's tedious, nostalgic, bittersweet and a chore. My little brother swooped in to grab a couple things he wanted and take off without actually helping. On the other hand, dad's stuff is being auctioned off. He had cool stuff - dirt bikes, fishing stuff, model airplane stuff, a garage full of stuff, a basement full of stuff. He had lots of hobbies he loved and stuff he did with my brothers like bmx. Today a list came out with how much some things went for - a tire, a mini-bike. It wasn't very nostalgic-like. Apparently, you had to show up with the vultures while things were being cleaned out to get anything you wanted. I am not that assertive so I'll just sit back and be resentful. Shame on me. I miss my dad.

The National Guard

My new son-in-law has joined the National Guard. He goes to training from June-October. There are great benefits - especially the education and bonus! A big concern:

According to the Pentagon, about 270,000 of America's over 347,000 Army Guard soldiers have served in either Afghanistan, Iraq, or both.

Bye Dad

Goodbye, Dad. I miss you so much. It's been really hard since your stroke. I'm sorry you were so sick. Thank you for trying so hard for so long. Thank you for our vacations at the Outer Banks. Thank you for always having good advice. Thanks for showing us how to enjoy life.

Last night were calling hours and the funeral is today.

Home Again Home Again

We're back! Vacation was great. Pictures to follow.

Stuck in Newark

After a wonderful 2 week vacation in Europe, our flight back to the states was delayed 5 hours and we arrived in Newark airport to find that flights had been cancelled and delayed due to weather. So not only did we wait 5 hours in Milan to catch our 9 hour flight - now we're stuck in Newark! The airline got us a hotel and meal vouchers and we should be home later tonight. We are tired and grouchy and achy. I want to blog about our adventures in Europe! Hopefully I will get to that soon. While we were gone, mom got home from the nursing home but ended up back in the hospital - I guess they are waiting for me to get back to 'deal with' that situation. My dad was back in the hospital where they found he had a bleeding ulcer. So I will check on the two of them before we take off to Florida for my husband's family reunion on Saturday. My son and I are going to Universal Studios for a couple days and my husband is taking his son to Honduras scuba diving for his 21st birthday present. We are looking forward to having some fun!

Grandbaby!!

Look at that beautiful smile!! The doctor said soon (which means early) I keep nagging her to take it easy.

Working hard or hardly working

The road to easy parenting is lined with little thought. This goes both ways - overdone praise or automatic discipline. My answer to 'that kid needs a spanking' is that I've always given myself enough credit to outsmart my kid with appropriate consequences. Kids need to learn to be responsible for themselves. We have to teach them self encouragement, motivation and discipline. It is not an easy task.

Lunar Eclipse in Paris

How romantic!! The one night we'll be in Paris and there's a lunar eclipse best seen from Europe.

And we missed it by going to bed around 9 - international travel will bust yer butt!

Paris Libraries

I'll let you know which of these Paris libraries I manage to get into after I return from my trip. (We're leaving Friday!)

Bibliothèque Forney, Hôtel de Sens, 1, rue du Figuier, Fourth Arrondissement; phone 42.78.14.60. Open Tuesday to Saturday 1:30 to 7 p.m.

Bibliothèque Mazarine, 23, Quai de Conti, Sixth Arrondissement; 44.41.44.06; http://www.bibliotheque-mazarine.fr/. Reading room open Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.; closed holidays and July 29 to Aug. 15. A pass for two consecutive days is free; a provisional pass, for 10 working days, is 7.50 euros, $9.10 at 1.21 to the euro.

Bibliothèque de l'Arsenal, 1, rue Sully, Fourth Arrondissement; 53.01.25.25; Open Monday to Friday 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.; Saturday 10 a.m to 5 p.m.; closed Sundays, holidays and April 10 to 21.

Bibliothèque Ste.-Genevieve, 10, Place du Panthéon, Fifth Arrondissement; 44.41.97.97; www-bsg.univ-paris1.fr. Open Monday to Saturday, 10 a.m to 10 p.m.

Bibliothèque Nationale, 58, rue de Richelieu, Second Arrondissement; 53.79.59.59; http://www.bnf.fr/. Reading room open Tuesday to Saturday 10 a.m. to 8 p.m., and Sunday 9 a.m to 12:30 p.m. and 1:30 to 7 p.m.

Bibliothèque François Mitterrand, Quai François-Mauriac, 13th Arrondissement; 53.79.59.59. Exhibitions and reading rooms open Tuesday to Friday 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., and Saturday 1 to 7 p.m. Entry: 3.30 euros.

Valentine's Day Wedding

Despite the blizzard, my daughter's wedding was wonderful. She looked beautiful!

Throat Cancer

Those phone calls that start "I have some bad news.." just make the heart sink right down to the stomach. My brother called last night to say he has a tumor in his throat. He will need surgery, radiation therapy and chemotherapy to treat it; also an MRI will be done to check for cancer in other places. My stupid reply was "You're kidding me!" Really - I thought (hoped) it was a joke - a little prank. Not so. And he comforted me saying he'll be alright. This just sucks.


As a teen taking care of my bipolar mom, I would lay in bed with her crying in pain from arthritis praying to God to just let me have her pain instead. It's silly to think that my prayers were answered and for years I was able to avoid it, but finally the doctor diagnosed bipolar disorder. My emotional pain and distress dwarfed hers - it's hard to believe she has lived through that.

That makes me wonder if my brother had those same types of thoughts when dad had his stroke. Parents would gladly take their children's suffering. We hope and pray we could relieve our parent's suffering. Unfortunately, that isn't possible and now we experience our own illness using our parents as an example of bravery, perseverance and hope.

The new Blogger and Blog

Well, I switched to the new Blogger, lost some items, deleted links and blogs that I no longer had interest in. Then I notice - I haven't posted since the 1st of January!! Well, let me tell you - since then I have quit smoking - so there!! Other than that, we've been enjoying the new grand baby, planning a Valentine's Day wedding and trying to keep track of our parents. My dad - new nursing home, things going OK. My mom - still in nursing home, was sick, but now on the mend. My mother-in-law in MI - another trip to the hospital for irregular heartbeat, dehydration - she's supposed to come home Monday. So that's the latest quick news. Oh - and we're planning a trip to Europe around my husband's business trip. We'll go to Amsterdam, Paris, Luxembourg and we're talking about Italy. Now that is exciting!

Dad and my little bro

Fishing this summer at Cape Hatteras.

Oh Happy Day!

Finally! If you remember I posted about this in October. I will be looking forward to paying 1/3 of what I pay now for visits to the psychiatrist and psychologist.

Avah Margret

Here's my new granddaughter: Avah Margret, 7 lbs, 19 in. born Dec 28 at 4:04 am

Elves and More

Some friends of mine made the news! What a great idea.

Dear Dad

You are back in the hospital with an infection, but not as sick as before. Cindy's glad you are being cared for and we're not happy with the quality of care you had at the nursing home. It would be great to find a better place or some alternative. It's been almost 4 months since your stroke and I miss you while getting to know you at the same time. I love to spend time with you holding your hand. This is so hard for everyone - I can't imagine what it is like for you. It makes me wonder about life vs. quality of life. You are so determined and strong to keep doing your therapy. The gains are slow and small - we are so excited and proud with every improvement. I see that quality of patience and perseverance in myself, but in the same circumstances I'm not sure I could hang in there. This is a life changing event - everyone in the family is affected. My family would be very strong and take very good care of me, but I don't know if that's what is best overall.

You've been in and out of ICU again. We don't know what happens next since you have a trach and there's only a couple places that take trach patients and they are not the nicest of places. This must be tiring for you beyond belief. At this point you don't get much of a choice about your treatment or future. I hate to see you agitated and upset. Today I didn't wake you when I visited. You deserve peace and rest. I love you so much.

Personal Diction.ary

Merry Christmas to me! Yesterday, we went to visit good friends and previous neighbors, Lady H and her family. Her gift basket to me included homemade soup and sauce mix, fireside coffee mix (yum as I am sipping it now), raspberry hot cocoa mix (double yum from last night), recipes to make aforementioned mixes plus more and (drum roll please) . . . . A Christian Personal Dictionary! I am the proud owner of an exclusive, unique, numbered copy of the original Personal Dictionary published a few years ago and have now been blessed by a Christian version. What is a Personal Dictionary? you ask. Well, according to the intro page:

How to use this dictionary: Some of what follows are clearly questions. Others are not. It is more interesting and comprehensive to throw out a writing prompt in the the author - you, can fill in the words surrounding the thought and then respond. I believe how you perceive the prompt is as telling as the answer. Thus, when you are finished, the dictionary should be even more definitive.
Good luck and enjoy!

Also useful as a conversation starter, a type of memoir, or any number of other journal type of thing - the personal dictionary will make you think! Here's an example of some prompts:

• glad sacrifices
• righteous anger
• Bible character you most identify with

How can you get yours? Ahhh - you can't. Unless you deluge me with email that I forward to my friend and maybe she will consider publishing.

Thank you again, my friend and I will put your Christmas surprise in my car so I get it to you soon (hopefully before Christmas)

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

According to this NYT article (free registration is required to view the entire article),

The effect of this simple gesture of social support is that the brain and body don't have to work as hard, they're less stressed in response to a threat," said Dr. James A. Coan, a psychologist at the University of Virginia and the study's lead author. His co-authors were Dr. Hillary Schaefer and Dr. Richard J. Davidson of the University of Wisconsin.
Relaxing in the face of a perceived threat is not always a good idea. The brain's alarm system, which prompts the release of stress hormones that increase heart rate and move blood to the muscles, prepares people to fight or run for their lives, researchers say.
But this system often becomes overactive in situations that are nagging but not life threatening like worries over relationships, deadlines, money or homework. Easy access to an affectionate touch in these moments — or to a hug, a back rub or more — "is a very good thing, is deeply soothing," Dr. Coan said.

Dad often reaches his hand out and we hold it. It is comforting to know that he is being soothed.

If it's not one parent, it's two

Mom fell this week, breaking her ankle in 3 places. Surgery on the ankle consisted of opening it up on both sides and putting it back together with pins, plates and screws. The cast stays on for 3 months and she'll be going into a nursing home near her apartment building. Now my days consist of visiting both mom in the hospital and dad at The Pond, picking up my son from school, trying to feed my family dinner and maybe throwing a load of laundry in. Today I changed the sheets on our bed - whoo hoo!! I've got 20 Christmas cards in envelopes without addresses or stamps. Christmas shopping is almost done and the wrapping paper is ready to roll. I don't bake and the tree is still in the attic.

Every detail of mom's injury and hospital stay is compared with dad's. She can hit her call button, eat food, sit on a bedpan, swallow pills, talk coherently, move both sides of her body, use the phone. I have to keep my mouth shut so that she can have her own experience, her own pain and not be put down by me pointing out that dad is worse off than her in every single aspect of her experience. BTW, my parents are divorced but harbor no bad feelings now. Mom lived alone and my brother and I are double teaming her. Dad is remarried, so my step-mom and I keep up with him.

Ummm--hey that leaves me spread thin. Self-care today included a really good nap...with hubby.

Noting Thanks

People ask how dad is and when I enthusiastically answer 'good!' they mention something like a walker or going home. Well...my enthusiasm extends to dad not having an infection, not being in the hospital and being able to talk. Then I go on to explain how his TIA's (mini-strokes) prior to his major stroke affected one side of his brain, his major stroke left his left side paralyzed, damage to his basal ganglia makes his right arm and leg move involuntarily. He can't do much of anything - they use a big sling/hoist thing to get him out of bed and into a wheelchair. He is still being tube fed and is incontinent. He can't push the call button if he needs something. BUT he IS working in rehabilitation on swallowing, sitting, standing, reaching, looking to the left -- numerous things you wouldn't even think about he does even if he needs someone (or two someones) to hold him up sitting or push him up and hold him standing. I am noting thanks for him being able to gag when the speech therapist checks to see if he has sensation in his throat. I am noting thanks for every 10 or 15 seconds he can stand holding onto bars with therapists in front and back supporting him. I was thankful when he knew my step mom was gone for 6 hours even though he didn't know what year it was. The most thankful moment was the first time he opened his eyes and saw me weeks after the stroke. Another was when he mouthed my name and tried to whisper 'I love you.' Looking back and realizing how long he was unconscious (weeks) and how long he couldn't talk because of his trach (months) and noting that every day that passes means that we are that much farther away from when he had his stroke, I am thankful. To someone who is looking in from the outside, things seem pretty bad; but for me, things are 'good.' Happy Thanksgiving to All!!

Children and Domestic Violence

This article only mentions that children who witness violence can have emotional and behavioral problems. From my observations, children - no matter the age - are affected in a post-traumatic stress syndrome kind of way. Young children are traumatized by the sight of someone who should be unconditionally trusted endangering the other parent. One of the worst, deepest and lasting types of damage a kid can have is the fear of abandonment. Older kids are embarrassed and angry. Young adult children wonder about their children being affected.

Myself, I have learned to have a Zero Tolerance for domestic violence.
Also, always call 911 - whether you or your neighbor need help - don't leave cries for help unanswered.
And please file charges, get a restraining order - protect your family!

Noble's Pond

Dad arrived at what we now call 'the pond' a week ago Thursday. He worked with the therapists there, getting assessments, showing what he could do and how much assistance he needed to do them. When people ask me how he's doing and I talk about how good he's doing and how hard he's working, they will say something like 'oh, is he using a walker?' Then I have to explain that well, he really can't do anything by himself -- I have seen him go from unconscious to shaking his finger at me, giving me a hard time (all in good fun) Each inch farther he can reach, each second longer he can sit, each day he can remember what year it is -- that is progress and I am thrilled.

So he was at 'the pond' for a few days and then pulled out his feeding tube. The nursing staff put it back in, but he started vomiting, so he ended up in the emergency room where it turns out he had a bladder infection and lots of chest congestion and the doctor admitted him for a couple days. Of course, soon after starting the strong antibiotics for the infection, he got the intestinal infection he had before. Since they caught it soon, it cleared up fast and he was able to go back to the pond today.

It's a whole two-step-forward-one step-back kinda thing. Very frustrating. Requires determination, patience, perseverance and all that stuff. Dad does great with therapy - trying everything they tell him without complaining. Now if he can keep infections away, he's sure to start making two steps forward for each step back.

Look! My very own bookstore!

Anthony Burgess

In a previous post I told you about my son's interest in A Clockwork Orange. Well, he did a book report for school (he is in the 10th grade) and at first got 36/40 points with the very first thing the teacher marked incorrect being the author. Take a look at the original report:

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
Chris L.
3rd Period
A Clockwork Orange was written by Anthony Burgess. This book has influenced culture a lot. A Clockwork Orange was originally published in 1962 in England. The book was released in the U.S. but the publisher left out the last chapter; because of this, the movie version of A Clockwork Orange (made by Stanley Kubrick) left out the ending of the book. The book is written in a first person point of view. A Clockwork Orange uses a strange vocabulary of slang terms that Anthony Burgess made up.
The story is set somewhere in the 1960's in an average city. The main character, Alex, is a horrible kid. With his gang, he commits horrible crimes; for example, robbery, rape, and vicious beatings of random people in the streets. His gang consists of 4 members: Alex (the leader), Pete, George, and Dim (Dim is the stupid, rough one). They use strange words like droog (a gang member) and horrorshow (cool or good). They dress in white outfits with black bowler caps and boots.
The book shows you the horrible things that Alex has done, and has gone through. Alex and his droogs (gang members) commit various crimes during the night. Alex is a very cocky character and eventually his gang starts to turn on him. While they were breaking into a womans house, the police were called by the homeowner. When Alex ran out of the house, he was cracked over the head with a milk bottle. His droogs got away and left him to get caught. Alex was sent to prison; in prison he heard of a special treatment that he could go through to get out of jail. The treatment was very horrible; Alex was strapped to a chair with his eyes held open. He had to watch horrible movies of murder, rape, and other crimes. The treatment eventually made him sick, so when he acted in a bad fashion, he felt sick. After the treatment he was released and had to go through horrible things.
The themes in A Clockwork Orange are very unclear. I think that one of the themes tells how people sometimes get what they deserve. Alex deserved to be imprisoned. It also shows you that people change and recieve things that they don't deserve. A man gets revenge on Alex after he is released from jail. A Clockwork Orange shows people that sometimes it's fun to be a bad person. Alex goes through phases throughout the story; at first he is a horrible person and by the end of the story he is a normal man.
I highly recommend A Clockwork Orange, it's a very interesting book. I liked it because even though Alex was such a horrible person, I grew to like him. The vocabulary used in the book is very entertaining. Although I liked this book I wouldn't recommend it to people that have gone through traumatic experiences like rape, and harsh beatings. My sister found it very offensive and disgusting. It has very horrible parts in it, but it's interesting to see a person my age change like Alex did. I also recommend the movie, although it is old, it summarizes the book very well. A Clockwork Orange is one of my favorite books.

The teacher told Chris "I don't remember who the author is, but this is wrong." So he tried to tell her maybe she was confused with Stanley Kubrick who made the film and she said no. Then he had to prove it to her on the Internet and ended up with 38/40 points for his report.

Can you hear me screaming?? A language arts teacher!!??? AND YOU THINK SHE COULD HAVE LOOKED IT UP BEFORE MARKING IT WRONG!

Pimp my Bookcart

Maybe I'll enter. Maybe I'll win. Wouldn't that be cool?

Moving on down to the 4th Floor

Dad is now in the Rehabilitation Center on the 4th floor of the hospital. He seemed anxious and after a full day today, was quite out of sorts when I got there. A busy day, a new schedule and lots and lots of work for him. The speech therapist worked on swallowing. Another day or two and his trach site will be healed over so he can do a barium swallow test. He got to have some water, pudding and other treats so that she could see how he's doing. Yummy since the only thing he's had in his mouth has been a bit of mouthwash on a little sponge and some tart lemon swabs to stimulate salivating.

Physical therapy wore him out. He complained about the pain - getting stretched after being bedridden for 6 weeks is going to be hard. He also went on about some off the wall stuff, but after he started to calm down, that went away. Our hope is that he can recover enough to come home. The hard thing is trying to encourage him without threatening him or making him feel that it's his fault if he doesn't improve. It's possible that he won't be able to accomplish certain things. And then you have to make it upbeat that working hard and being in pain is what he has to do in order to make progress. And then I wonder if therapy just keeps getting harder because once he gets to one point, there will always be more to work on. Plus we have no idea of how it feels for him and he knows it and says that and I wish we could take some of that from him. He has to do all this extremely hard work himself.

So that was Day 1. Keep tuned in!

The most interesting things can happen at Libraries

A naked display of emotion over library closings

The Friends of the Kingsteignton Library in Devon, England, are taking the threatened closure of one of 12 underused libraries by the county council seriously enough to engage in a nude protest. Local library lovers—among them several councilors at the district and parish levels—have been demonstrating against the closing of the library, rain or shine, since February. But last summer, chanting “Don’t strip us of our library,” the group staged a nude indoor protest behind a shelf of large-print books....

What Hurts My Feelings

Not being Informed.
Not being Included.
Not being Invited.
Not being Introduced.

Not being Appreciated.
Not being Acknowledged.

Snacks at School

Finally a very commen sense idea - let's get all the high calorie, sugary, non-nutritional junk out of school. Things that have come off of our grocery list at home: chips, soda, candy and ice cream. There isn't a whole lot of baking going on - my oven doesn't do a very good job, although my family maintains that I'm the one that burns the bottoms of the cookies.

Another idea on how to help the child obesity problem: PE for everyone. All grades, all days.
Some things my teens seemed to enjoy (besides changing for gym):

• being able to choose from different activities (archery, golf, softball, etc.)
• doing circuit training in the weight room
• working on the Presidential Council on Fitness Challenge

Some fit things we've done as a family:

• taken karate class together
• passes to the amusement park in the summer meant lots of walking

Ok, that's a couple things off the top of my head - not enough really. And we reflect that.

What I've Learned

What I've learned in the last few weeks:

Not to take for granted breathing, speaking, eating, or my body's ability to move.
That everyone has their own way of dealing with and responding to stress.
That little kindnesses mean a lot and big problems can be insignificant in the blink of an eye.


That any day is a good day when:

You can look your loved one in the eye and say "I love you"
You can touch, hug, kiss and hold someone who can touch, hug, kiss and hold you - well, even if they can't and at least you can.

What else is going on?

You ask...I answer. My hubby had surgery on his knee to fix some torn cartilige. It was outpatient surgery and he hobbled around home less than a week. Now he's doing physical therapy and will be better than new in no time!

My heel pain is constant and worsening caused by plantar fasciatis. The doc gave me a cortisone shot which had lidocane which eliminated all the pain for about an hour. So for that short, sweet time there was no pain and it became so clear how bad and how long this thing has hurt. The feeling of relief just rushed over me. But it crept back and hurts worse and in a larger area now - so back to the doc tomorrow. He said something about surgery if the shot didn't work....

Mattie (our french bulldog) has had some permanent nerve damage in her front paws and is taking a course of prednisone. She is still happy-go-lucky as usual.

We went to dinner for my daughter's 20th! birthday and had a blast! I kinda walked into a 'family joke' and the funny stuff went on and on. We laughed so hard, tears ran down our face. After all the stress about dad's stroke, the laughter was a great release.

Stroke effects

Dad was moved to Select Specialty Hospital within the hospital this week. The time spent in ICU seemed unending - a succession of days and nights - good and bad where we were hopeful one minute and waiting for the worst the next. Dad was in a morphine induced coma to help keep him calm so that his blood pressure wouldn't spike. When they tried to bring him out of that, they still had him on one med that caused headache, so kept up the morphine to keep him comfortable. There were days when he was very agitated. For more than a week, he didn't open his eyes. He was on a ventilator, feeding tube, IV and had tubes everywhere. He had a special air bed that would turn him slightly from side to side to prevent bed sores.

Trying to make him more comfortable and reduce the risk of infection, the nurses inserted a PICC line. A day or two after that, they put his feeding tube into his stomach instead of down his throat. He developed an infection last week. We thought it could be a turn for the worse. Once they got the fever down, they did a tracheotomy. Now nothing is down his throat!

Yesterday was his first day at Select. I got there about 8:30am. The place is busy; much different than ICU with nurses having about 4 patients each. Dad has a team of a few nurses, a couple aides, his doctors(family, infectious disease, intensive care, neurology) , and the therapists(physical and speech) Everyone needed to assess him and by early afternoon, he was zonked. The most exciting part was the speech therapist who really got him responding and he seemed happy about that. For the first time since the stroke, he looked me in the eyes, seemed to recognize me, squeezed my hand and even mouthed that he was hot, so I took his blanket off.

Baby steps, Baby steps

Dad's Stroke

My dad had a stroke the week before last. He had been working outside. My brothers were going to visit and when they got there, he was sitting in a chair unable to move. He regained movement about 10 hours later at the hospital. He needed surgery on his carotid artery which was blocked. Since it was scheduled for the following Tuesday, he got to go home for the weekend. He was at my niece's 1st birthday party on Sunday. Tuesday's surgery was pushed to Wednesday because the surgeon had an emergency. During surgery Wednesday, he had another stroke. He had another surgery following that to make sure the artery was clear. They kept him in a coma to keep his blood pressure down and started to bring him out of it Friday. A scan showed small vascular disease in his brain. His left side is paralyzed, he's on a respirator, being tube fed and given pain meds. When the blood pressure and pain meds start to wear off, he starts to wake and his blood pressure spikes. He is very uncomfortable and agitated at that point. This morning when I called the nurse said he rested well during the night, so I'll be spending the morning with him. Yesterday he had tears. They are starting to wean him off the respirator. He is making small improvements like that. From what I can observe and what I've read surviving a stroke is not an easy process. He has been such a support for me; the parent I could count on for stability. Now I want to be there with him and for him. I hope it is some comfort to him that his family is there and not upsetting for him.

This is hard hard hard.

girlfriday: my best advice

My best blog friend, girlfriday gives us a confidence boost.

I also love Stephen Colbert's article in Wired.

Mom, I have something important to tell you

Yes, those were the words on my voicemail this afternoon. My daughter found out she's pregnant today. She had told me about her period being late earlier this week. So now we are expecting two new grandbabies. It's a little different when it's your daughter who is pregnant. I'm concerned about her health and her pregnancy. She has endometriosis, so being pregnant will help give her body a break from that. She's been having unprotected sex with her fiancee for a while, so I think she was concerned about being able to get pregnant. She's petite and has some other health problems, so I hope everything goes well for her.

They just started college and are living with her dad's girlfriend right now. They planned to get work/study jobs and live there for a while. Now they'll need a place of their own. They are struggling financially. They were planning a September 2007 wedding. They have lots of things running through their minds right now. She went to the doctor and he focused them for the moment by saying that since she has endometriosis, this is a blessing and they should think nothing but positive thoughts. Good advice.

Artist or Actress?

Today our painting class was filmed by our local PBS station. For the first time, I was the first to finish painting and was filmed signing my painting! This was my best work yet - a scene of water crashing into a large rock jutting out of the ocean. If there's any broadcast, I'll be sure to blog about it.

It's a Girl!

Our future grand-baby is a girl! My husband went to the doctor's appointment with the expectant mommy and her mother. He was so excited and has pictures of the ultra-sound which I hope to post. Now when I'm out and see something cute, I can go ahead and BUY it! Due date: December 31.

Rescue Me

Being an educated, professional couple I hate to admit to some of the television shows we watch. The quantity of television is also very high. Some of our favorites are CSI, 24, Law & Order SVU and Criminal Intent, Emeril Live, What not to Wear, any dog shows, poker & ultimate fighting (husband) and Lost (me). We watched a season or two of Nip/Tuck - just when you think things couldn't get weirder - gotta see what they come up with next. Hubby also likes Desperate Housewives. So some of this trash TV is entertaining in an outlandishly raunchy kind of way. Our newest discovery is Rescue Me - the fire station that would be down the street from the Desperate Housewives if it were in the suburbs. We laughed out loud - very loudly.

Other TV comedy I like: The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Dead Like Me which was cancelled after 2 seasons on Showtime and is now being rerun on cable, but not the same being edited for language.

Oh, and we have Media Center so all this is recorded and watched without commercials at our convenience for hours at a time. Next entertainment post must be about reading books....

Suicide Hotline change

Please take note of this change. If this affects you or your family, make sure those who may need the number have it with them. For anyone who has contemplated suicide, never hesitate to call. If you are ever having suicidal thoughts, contact your doctor, the suicide hotline or go to the nearest emergency room. Suicidal thoughts are symptoms of mental illness and symptoms can be treated.

Jim Belushi book

Being a shelver at the library, this cracks me up!

They're not teenagers anymore

A friend of my step-son's moved back in with us a couple weeks ago. He turned 21 shortly after. The guy is working 2 full time jobs and is going to start at the Police Academy at the end of the month. He'll have to quit his day job. He's stayed with us before and is really nice to have around.

My step-son turns 21 on Monday. He'll be getting his real estate license soon. I know he's a natural and can't wait to see him in action. He's going to be a dad, but isn't romantically together with the mom right now. Life can get complicated.

My future son-in-law turns 21 on Tuesday. I remember meeting him when he was 18 and promising me he would never quit high school - then didn't make it through that year. But he's since received his GED, is a welder and is going to college this fall. He and my daughter have made it through some tough times and I respect him for that. He loves her and I love him for that.

My daughter will be 20 next month! As many a mom has found, we get along so well now. What a relief that the struggling adolescent years are behind us. The tough choices I made with her still pain me and anger her. As time goes on, may our new relationship heal those hurts that linger.

My step-daughter will be 25 and is ingrained in her adulthood. She is finishing college, thinking of grad school and involved with her boyfriend's business. They live in Memphis and I haven't seen her since before we got married. Maybe I can go next time her dad visits.

A kid in college

It's happening - my daughter got financial aid and is signing up for classes on Monday! She will be going to Stark State College for Early Childhood Education. I graduated from there in 1982 with an Associate's Degree in Mechanical Engineering. She is very nervous about school since it's been a while since high school and even though she's very intelligent, her effort at that time wasn't all that great. Of course (I tell her and myself) I can help her with everything! Is this a mother's way of saying I am still needed? Since I have forced her to be very independent to the point of making her feel that I don't want to help her, it may be my way of easing the guilt.

This is a proud and exciting time. Hopefully she will find the same inspiration, motivation and determination that college gave me - plus the career and financial success that follows.

Of course we'll watch Kitty for you

Recently we lost our cat, Bones so when my daughter asked if we could take her cat for a while, we said yes. Her name is Kitty since they couldn't come up with a name for her. Makes sense to me -- that's all we really ever called Bones anyway. So Kitty is beautiful - black with very nice white markings. She is very smart. She has been known to put the scooper in the litter box if she wants it cleaned and even brought it to my daughter when that was ignored. She doesn't care for the dog, but is settling in nicely having chosen her spots to hang out. The world is on her terms - she will make you pet her, but doesn't like it if you pet her. She likes to nip affectionately -- we do not like this. One evening she crawled on my chest as I was on the laptop and 'nipped' my cheek. I yelled with surprise, threw up my hands; she fled, the laptop flew to the floor. Hubby was like 'what the--?' So now I try to avoid her love bites.

Kitty will be going back with my daughter when they get a new place. I wonder if she'll remember us?

The Princess Bride

Of course, I am.....

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

Lazy Town

My kids just told me about this show on Nick Jr. today - the main character's name is Stephanie! What a coincidence - that's my name! And I'm pretty lazy!

But seriously, after checking out the web site, there's lots of good stuff to get kids moving and eating right. The show is winning awards and making toys with Fisher-Price.

At Home

Asking myself the question - am I doing this?

A parent at home can create a cohesive family lifestyle in the midst of today’s rushed and media-distracted lifestyles. The at-home parent can hold down the fort during the day, provide loving care to the children, create home cooked and healthy meals for everyone and create a calm, peaceful sanctuary for the whole family. The home-based parent can be an anchor in the storm of daily modern life and a strong and living "heart" at the center of the family.

At first, all that was true. I had been laid off, we were just married and I was in my perfect world resting from a life of a working single parent of two. Then I needed a job, worked full-time at Target before getting my dream job at the library. For a few months, I worked at both places which wore me out considerably. After leaving Target, my hours at the library changed to Tue & Wed 9-2 and Thur 11-4. Now if that isn't the most perfect schedule in the world. So you would think that peaceful sanctuary would reappear. Umm, more like a mediocre pit stop.

Ultimate Fighting Challenge

There are many sports watched at our house. Hockey - my husband is from Michigan and is a Detroit Red Wings fan. He graduated from Michigan State or is that U of M? (just kidding, honey) So we follow the Spartans football and basketball. We watch the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament. We watch the Superbowl - well, at least the commercials and I like to catch the halftime show. LeBron James and Ben Curtis are from 'round here. Golf and poker are on the TV at all possible times. All was well for me, the only woman in a house of three males. But then my husband discovered the UFC.

This no-holds-barred any style of fighting is too violent for me. The big talking is like WWF for intelligent people. So here I sit blogging and surfing the internet. Is there a UFC 'season'? I doubt it.

The Northside

Tonight my son played bass guitar on stage with his guitar teacher at open mic night! It was so exciting for both of us. He did a great job and will be going back often, I'm sure.

But the cat didn't come back

Not really knowing what could be causing her somewhat comatose condition, the vet put the cat to sleep last night. Actually, she has a name but we usually referred to her as 'the cat.' My husband took her from friends who rescued her as a stray. She was bone skinny, so he called her Bones, which is short for Bonita. We will miss her reading the paper in bed with us on Sunday and her playing with Mattie. After Mattie is ok, we'll think about another cat to keep her company. This time a short-haired cat because we won't miss the long white hair or lovely hairballs Bones left behind. My dad lives out in the country and has 14 acres of woods. He's been feeding cats for years and has a large colony of wild cats that just had kittens. Years ago, the kids and I took a kitten and it was the best cat - really beautiful and a great buddy to our other cat. When we moved, we were fortunate to be able to give them to a family so that they could stay together. My stepmom says the new kittens are really cute. My niece has taken one already. Mattie goes to the vet this morning and will still take medicine for another ten days.

The cat's turn

My husband, stepson and friend are taking the cat to the vet ER. She was lying at the bottom of the stairs, which is an unusual place for her to be, for the longest time. When I went to close the door and it got close to her, she didn't move a muscle. When I bent down to shoo her up, she just laid there so I called the guys to come check her. She was just lying there not moving and when my husband picked her up, she was just limp so we called the vet. My husband says he thinks she may have had a stroke.

You don't realize how much pets are part of the family until something happens to them. Mattie, recovering from her herniated disc, lost control of her bladder lying next to me on the couch. I thought she was slobbering on me until I saw that it wasn't that end that was wet! She goes back for a recheck on Thursday.

Our big worry is vacation coming up. My stepson is staying, but he works or goes to school every day. I hope nothing serious happens while we're gone. That would really suck.

Outer Banks Vacation

We're spending next week in Salvo, North Carolina on the outer banks near Cape Hatteras. My dad and step-mom rent a big house and all of us kids and our families spend the week by and in the pool and hottub, at the beach, fishing, surfing, kayaking, cooking, resting, playing games and visiting. We haven't been able to all be together for a while. My dad has four kids and so does my step-mom and we don't synchronize around the holidays as well as we used to. This is the third year going. There's about thirty of us. It is the absolute best time.

Bad Hair

I have a pet peeve about bad hair on TV - on people who should know better, whose livelihood depends in part on how they look. Assuming there's someone whose job it is to do the hair and makeup thing on these guys - they should be fired! Someone should do a reality show makeover of these people! Here are some of the people I see that I cannot believe have hair this bad:

Jim Angle - combover

Bill Gates - please get a good haircut

The Donald almost as famous for his hair as he is for being, well, "The Donald"

John Gibson

What is with these

guys on Fox?

chrisneedsaband

My son plays the bass guitar as well as the electric guitar. His teacher has just moved to a space in an art gallery above the Northside. They have an open mic nite Mondays and the two of them are working on playing there soon. How cool is that? You can hear him on Myspace or email him at chrisneedsaband@yahoo.com.

My Paintings

I've entered three paintings in a student art show! It opens Monday - they are judging today. I'm nervous, excited, proud and did I say excited?

Mattie our French Bulldog

Mattie our French Bulldog is suffering from a herniated disc. She's being treated with medication and cage rest. She's our baby.

Dulcimer Festival

Over the weekend we attended the Dulci-More Festival in Lisbon, OH at Camp McKinley, Ohio's most historic Boy Scout Camp. A delicious ham dinner was served Saturday evening including homemade desserts! The concert featured Tina Bergman & Bryan Thomas followed by Magpie.
The camp was beautiful with the sounds of traditional music, wildlife and water running through what was the Sandy & Beaver Canal. City tension melted away warmed by the first weekend of summer sun. Ahhhh...Summer!

Beta No. 2

So whenever your ready with the real thing, Bill - just let us know.


computer

My Engaging Daughter

Another Mother's Day weekend treat - my daughter and her boyfriend put an engagement ring on lay-away!

She is so excited - it is wonderful to see her so happy.

We went shopping for vintage dresses - perfect for her - she is petite and they all fit fairly well. The first one may be the one she gets and it will only need shortened and any changes she wants.

They plan on a Fall 2007 wedding.

War and Peace

An interesting op-ed on the history of Mother's Day ran in the Akron Beacon Journal today on the same page as an article about the war on terror.

Contrary to what card makers would have us think, Mother's Day wasn't always a Hallmark holiday. The first Mother's Day proclamation, written by Julia Ward Howe in 1870, was a rallying cry for mothers to make their sons and husbands quit the business of warfare.

There has never been an age without war, not ever. Mass violence is a continual aspect of the human condition. Peace, like good weather, is always local and temporary. And what is peace anyway but the result of past victories in war and the effective threat of future war against would-be aggressors? We play with our children, read books, go to work and enjoy recreations only because people with guns stand ready, willing and able to kill other people with guns who would kill us if they could.

While best known for writing the Battle Hymn of the Republic, Howe lived through the Civil War. She was horrified by the violence she saw, and used her poetic gift to pen a proclamation against war -- a proclamation that birthed Mother's Day.

``Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause,'' Julia wrote. ``Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience. We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.''

It's sweet to forget this and therefore difficult to keep it in mind. ``It is hard for those who live near a Police Station to believe in the triumph of violence,'' as the poet T.S. Eliot wrote. That's us -- we Americans, protected by a mighty military that by and large obeys the rules of our republic -- safe enough, and keeping much of the world safe enough, so that we find it hard to believe in whatwould happen if that protection failed.

But these fighters do keep us safe. And because keeping us safe is harsh, dangerous work, we should glorify them, exalt them in story and song by way of appreciation.

Her solution? Women should join to ``promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.''

For the sake of mothers in the United States, Iraq and Iran, we should heed Julia Ward Howe's 1870 cry to ``Disarm! Disarm!'' and find the means ``whereby the great human family can live in peace.''

...it's not bloodlines but national creeds that make a people. And while even so great a creed as ours can't guarantee the decency of individuals, evil creeds surely sweep them up into destructive madness and therefore must be opposed.

Today, we face an enemy in the grip of a belief system just as evil, just as destructive in its intent as the system we fought back then. We were attacked at home in this war as we were in World War II. The outcome of the struggle is just as much in doubt.

Worse, because Islamic fundamentalism supersedes nationhood, the danger it poses is more protean and diffuse. It's easier to pretend it isn't there, more tempting for the war-weary and the fatally foolish to waver and sound retreat.

While assessing the intricate failings of our moral history, many of us have lost sight of the simple truth that the system that shapes us is, in fact, a great one, that it has moved us inexorably to do better and that it's well worth defending against every aggressor and certainly against as shabby and vicious an aggressor as we face today.

When war comes, as it always will, and when it is justified, as it is now, nuances and shades of gray have to be set aside. It is time, instead, for faith and for ferocity. Our enemies have these weapons, after all.

We're going to be Grandparents!

My stepson and his girlfriend are expecting a baby. It is an unexpected surprise for all, but we are looking at the bright spots. I've been in the 'in-between' group of my friends. One has small children, getting started with her family in her 40's. Pregnancy, childbirth, babies, toddlers and children - all wonderful memories now. When I watch her chasing after her little one, I am grateful that that exhausting time is in the past. Another friend has five children, the oldest of which has two children, making her a grandma. Last year, my sister became a grandma and this year she will have two more grandkids. Even though I admit I was jealous, I realized that our kids were young and it would be a while before we would have grandkids. Well, now that is in the future and my grandma fantasies can become realities. In the children's department at the library, grandparents bring their grandkids to story hour. They read to them, pick out books, put together puzzles, look at the fish and our turtle, Spike. We have books on grandparenthood, activities to do with grandkids, etc, etc.

We are all starting to think of each other differently. They are starting a family, a new life and moving from dependence on us to having someone depend on them. You can tell they see us as parents - not the authority figure of their childhood but parents like them. We have this in common - expecting a baby. What greater event to expect? They can tell that we know how excited and scared they are - that we've been through the long wait of pregnancy and the uncertainty of childbirth. It may take a while for the reality of not only a life - but a lifetime of a child is ahead of them - their child to love, teach, take care of and enjoy. They are no longer young adults trying to find their way - they have the path ahead of them now.

This is How I Am

Just a rambling post about how I feel today, which is like a slug! I've been lazy, unmotivated, blah, a couch potato, dragging, limping because of my heel pain, sleeping so hard during my nap that my husband greeted me with 'nice drool' upon seeing my pillow. My usual routine consists of the morning routine: get up, bathroom, coffee, let dog out, have cigarette (unless I've quit smoking that day), make simple breakfasts for hubby and son, pack lunch for husband, kiss him goodbye, take son to school. Then if it's a work day, I get ready & go to work for 5 hours shelving books at the library - a job which I LOVE for so many reasons: it's peaceful, I love books, no late fees for employees, coworkers are great, boss is even better and I have the best schedule in the world - I work Tue, Wed & Thur. Yes, 5 hours 3 days a week with a 4 day weekend every week at a job I LOVE. But if it's not a work day, I come home & tidy up, work on laundry, grocery shop, clean house, do errands, lunch with a friend - but only one of those. One activity a day is usually all that's accomplished. I'm a very low energy person - a type B personality, perhaps with adult ADD, an underactive thyroid (I take synthroid), depression (ditto on anti-depressants), aches and pains (anti-inflammatory meds), sleep apnea or maybe I'm just relaxed - a little too much. Once a week or so a spurt of energy shows up in time for me to keep my head above water. All this - and it's so much better than it used to be when I was a divorced, full-time working mom of 2 finishing college at night with an ex that didn't pay child support consistently for so long, he's $25,000 in arrears. Then I had NO energy, but managed to take the kids to their sports practices and games, scout meetings, friend's houses, movies, museums, fire station open houses for the free pancake breakfasts, the library (of course) and even saved for a vacation to Disney World. My house looked like it should be condemned, but everyone said the kids are only young once and they don't care. Well, at 19 and 15, I can see that was right - I am enjoying these young adults and am proud of our life. Things were not perfect - you do your best, work on priorities - but there will always be some things that were hard. I had to learn to make decisions even if there was no really good choices or outcome to be found. Adulthood - Responsibility - not always fun and games.

Choosing a Nursing Home

In anticipation of the possibility of admitting mom to a nursing home, I've found this site which will work up and email a comparison report. I'm also talking to her doctors, nurses, social worker at the hospital, and her case worker at the Area Agency on Aging. Mom's been a Passport client for many years, which has enabled her to live on her own. If you have aging or ill parents, contact your local Area Agency on Aging - it is an excellent source of information and assistance.

Parkinson's

Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's a couple months ago. After falling again, we stayed with her around the clock as she was in a wheelchair and needed assistance for everything. Last week, she was admitted to the hospital for more rehab. The neurologist increased her medication and she's getting intensive therapy. The Parkinson's was much more advanced than they first thought. Now we need to figure out if she will be able to go back home on her own. She could spend some time in a nursing home until she is able to be safe by herself. She's 70, has osteoporosis, diabetes, bipolar disorder and now Parkinson's - it's likely a nursing home is in the future.

Washington, DC

My son and I spent part of spring break at our nation's capital. It was my first visit and I can't wait to go back. At the zoo, we got a great view of Tai Shan. All three pandas were sleeping - Tai Shan in a tree - but it wasn't crowded and was so great to see them up close.

At the Library of Congress I applied for a reader registration card which gives me access to most of the reading rooms and we headed straight for the main reading room. I could spend an unlimited amount of time here among the 22 reading rooms and 3 buildings.

It was cherry blossom season and the spring days were beautiful. My son especially enjoyed riding the metro and we spent some time at Union Station where we shopped, had lunch and saw "V for Vendetta" because when you're 14 and sight-seeing you must spend a lot of time doing things that you could do at home!

Child Bride

This report really was amazing. I wonder how many innocent people are living in similarly evil situations. Far too many I am sure.

Kevin Sites in the Hot Zone From Yahoo! News

Change in Antidepressants May Beat Depression

A report at Forbes.com goes through the trial and error of getting the medication cocktail right. There are a lot of people who give up before they get better. The search for the holy grail can take some time.

Mom's Depression

An article in Forbes.com states the obvious and it's good that this is being studied. Parents - take care of yourselves! When my kids were growing up, I was a single working mom suffering from major depression/bipolar disorder. The battle seemed endless, and the fight went on day after day, medication after medication. After seeing what my mom went through when I was a kid, I was determined to do everything my doctor told me. Finally, it paid off but our life was affected - how can it not be? The highest priority as a parent is to take care of yourself; take care of your marriage; and take care of your kids. An unhealthy parent and/or unhealthy marriage can't set the stage for healthy kids. At times, it seems the right thing to do - put the kids first - before your mental health - instead of your marriage, but unhappy people make poor parents and provide poor examples of how to function in life.

For families dealing with depression, a book I highly recommend is Talking to Depression: Simple Ways to Connect When Someone in Your Life is Depressed.

If your child is suffering from depression, my favorite resource is Lonely, Sad and Angry.

A website that points to all others and has a great online community is Bipolar World.

The Mighty Migraine

Woken by a migraine this morning, I begin the quest for relief. Coffee and a cigarette - nicotine and caffeine. Ran out of Relpax - have to drive 15 minutes to the drug store by my husband's work because it's less expensive there thank you formulary/non-formulary lists. The lady at the pharmacy asks how I'm doing. I've got a migraine and didn't refill my medicine. She says she can see it in my face (that bad, huh?) and that she does the same thing, thinking 'maybe I won't get another one.' She let's me know that the pack of six pills is a 3 day supply and I can get a refill that soon. Good, I'll be stocking up.

Back at home I take a pill, Xlear my sinuses, warm up my Bed Buddy, put in my brux guard and lay down. I look at the clock to see when I can take another Relpax. After 20 minutes, I get up and take a muscle relaxer. I think I fall asleep and then damn the coffee I have to get up and pee. Reheat the Bed Buddy, take out the brux guard and sleep for an hour. Hmmmm - feeling better, I get up and take that second Relpax and have some toast. Now it's time to tiptoe around the phantom pain left so that the migraine doesn't come back because if it does, it will be worse than the first. I miss my husband who left yesterday on a business trip overseas. Make a mental list of people to call if I need to go to the ER.

Since they're menstrual migraines, I reluctantly hope for menopause. That's just wrong. I'm only 45. But if I got to choose when the headaches would stop, it would be sooner rather than later. Ok, I'll be taking it easy the rest of the weekend, giving myself scalp massages, doing gentle stretches and trying not to read or make any sudden movements. Now I just need to figure out what to do to prevent my retarded dog from barking.

Bird Flu

The bird flu scares me. Every day there is very bad news.

Two children in Indonesia have died and today there was a report that Israel has confirmed cases.
There is such a wide range of measures to detect, destroy, and defend depending on each country's resources and procedures that I feel that the spread will just keep gaining momentum. I pray for all the people who have become ill and for the families that have lost loved ones.

Depleted Uranium

Dr. Helen Caldicott on Depleted Uranium

My son, the apparently more aware of some things than I, gave me this article. Something else to be mad about. I'm going to get him a book on teen activism. He's ripe for it.

Whatever Goes Down, Must Come Up

After months of let's call it seasonal depression, the fog lifts when robins start plopping around and the sun comes up much earlier. For a few days, a breeze of giddiness sets in and I'm joking, teasing and filled with happy songs in my head. An energy courses through my body. Thoughts of hope and plans and optimism race around in my brain. Who am I? Trying to reconcile this person with the normal me and the depressed me, I wonder what I am. Describing my mom to someone recently, I said that it was like having three moms - manic mom, depressed mom and normal mom. For me, being bipolar feels like three different pieces of the same fabric. The fabric of life, if you will. One piece that is a beautiful expression of the soul, an accurate representation of the personality. Another part shows threads interwoven made of sparkling gold and silver that shimmer and move with a life of their own, an uncontrollable magic carpet. With depression, the shimmer disappears and the fabric is left with emptiness where the sparkle was and a rotting away of the threads that can barely hold it together. But through ups and downs, the same basic pattern is there and that's how I hold onto myself: knowing that these extremes are part of my life but my true self is the part that is always there. Indestructible holy thread woven by God to create me. The creator raises me as a flag, representing His love. Whatever state my soul is in will suit His purpose at that time.