Teen who made encouraging video on bullying commits suicide

It is difficult to know what to do when someone you love is struggling with depression. This story reminded me that we should always watch out for others.  Even though we cannot control their thoughts and actions; cannot prevent tragedy - we can do some things and perhaps it will help.  Here are a few ideas to keep in mind:

• Approach, don't stay away.  
• Ask: how do you feel emotionally?  Ask: can you tell me a thought that seems to run through your head?  Ask: have you talked to a doctor?  Ask: what, if anything, seems to help?
• Advise someone who is deeply depressed and/or suicidal to call their doctor.  If they are already being treated, urge them to call their doctor to give them an update.  If they don't have a doctor, see if they will call a helpline or let you call for them and find out how to get a doctor.  

Especially for teens, acknowledge the reluctance to get help.  Explain that it is necessary the same way that getting treated for a broken bone is necessary.  Make sure they have access to a hotline.  Have them put a post-it note on their computer.  They can write the number backwards and say it is a password.

SAFETY:  Someone who is having thoughts of suicide should be taken to the hospital.  Someone who is having suicidal thoughts should not be left alone.  Those who are suicidal don't get over it quickly - it takes time to treat depression.  Medication and counseling can and will help but not overnight so remain vigilant.

Note:  I am not a mental illness professional!  Please seek help from your doctor, pastor, school counselor or other professional whether you are the depressed person or someone who is concerned and wants to help.

Another Suicidal Message

A few Facebook posts today got my attention: a video on YouTube of the Vega Choir from Sweden doing Radiohead's Creep and a video posted by Ellen DeGeneres.  I've written about suicide before here, here, here, also here and here.  If you're interested, take a look.  Any discussion or questions are welcome.

The Rule of Four

I'm working on my thoughts about the 30 Essential Truths according to Dr. Gordon Livingston, author of Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, posted recently on Alex Blackwell's great blog The Next 45 Years. Some of them hit very close to home. This post is about the Fourth Truth. From Alex's blog:

4. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. For some, childhood was pleasant, almost idyllic. But for others, when there has been serious physical, sexual or emotional abuse it is important to recognize this and process this with a trained professional. No matter your past, change is the essence of life. In order to move forward in life we need to learn to live in the present.

This one hit closest to home for me.  How long can a situation that existed 30 years ago haunt someone?  Oh, about 30 years or so.  A professional can guide the process of recognizing past traumas.  To recognize is to identify the event(s).  This is different than describing - most of us know what happened to us.  In order to explain our past, we need to look at it through the eyes of an observer.  Why?  Because our vision is clouded by memories and stuck on rewind, playing the same tape over and over without alteration.  There are many other facets and by looking at them, we start to break up our tape.  Once the past is recognized, we are supposed to process it.  (put it in the blender and hit whip)

Progress; passage: the process of time; events now in process. To gain an understanding or acceptance of; come to terms with: processed the traumatic event in therapy.

An example: Mom has schizoaffective and bipolar disorders.  She has been hospitalized and medicated, received shock treatments and therapy, attempted suicide numerous times and spent days if not weeks in deep depression, locking herself in her room.  We were kids.  I was the oldest.  Sometimes she was manic, staying up all night playing the piano or rearranging the furniture.  On other manic occasions, she would go out drinking and playing cards (for money).  I remember feeding her, calling an ambulance when (and only if) she was unconscious, having holiday meals in the psych ward, seeing her restrained with leather straps, trying to take care of the four of us kids when she couldn't and having babysitters, nannies and grandma come before I was old enough.  I grew up picturing her funeral.  Every day.  For the next 30 years or so.  My psychologist pointed out many things that never entered my mind such as mom being extremely manipulative.  My dad would tell me that there was nothing I could do, releasing me from the burden of the responsibility I felt to make everything better.  A self-help book said that people learn good coping skills (as well as poor) growing up in an unhealthy environment.  When I began to hold on to ideas such as these, my mental recording that had been stuck on the previous description started to break up.  Just when I noticed that I was feeling better....

After living on her own and being stabilized as much as possible, mom fell and eventually had to stay in a nursing home.  When I go to see her, she is angry and says many of the things I heard as a child:  you kids don't care about me; I don't want to live anymore; I'm in so much pain, etc.  This took me back so fast, I physically felt the rush to the past.  Only this time, I wasn't a child who didn't understand.  Now I see much more and know that things will not change and that I should not feel guilty.  What I know and what I feel are quite different.  But this time, I know how to get help processing.

Resilience

Give yourself some positive self-talk by using these statements and tips from the Mayo Clinic:
Use the above link to read the entire article.

Characteristics of resilient people

Statement:

I'm able to adapt to change easily.

I feel in control of my life.

I tend to bounce back after a hardship or illness.

I have close, dependable relationships.

I remain optimistic and don't give up, even if things seem hopeless.

I can think clearly and logically under pressure.

I see the humor in situations, even under stress.

I am self-confident and feel strong as a person.

I believe things happen for a reason.

I can handle uncertainty or unpleasant feelings.

I know where to turn for help.

I like challenges and feel comfortable taking the lead.

Credits: Based on the Connor-Davidson Resilience Scale (CD-RISC), Connor K.M., Davidson J.R. ©2003. Adapted by Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.

Tips to improve your resilience

Use these tips to help become more resilient:

Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who can listen to your concerns and offer support. Volunteer or get involved in your community. "A sense of connectedness can sustain you in dark times," Dr. Creagan notes.

Use humor and laughter.
Remaining positive or finding humor in distressing or stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you simply can't find humor in your situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie. (When my son went through a major depression in middle school, he really got a lot of relief from renting comedies, watching comedians and even read about becoming a comedian.)

Learn from your experiences. Recall how you've coped with hardships in the past, either in healthy or unhealthy ways. Build on what helped you through those rough times and don't repeat actions that didn't help.

Remain hopeful and optimistic. While you can't change events, look toward the future, even if it's just a glimmer of how things might improve. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.

Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep, and eating well.

Accept and anticipate change. Be flexible. Try not to be so rigid that even minor changes upset you or that you become anxious in the face of uncertainty. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them.

Work toward goals. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps direct you toward the future.

Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan to do it, and then take action.

Learn new things about yourself. Review past experiences and think about how you've changed as a result. You may have gained a new appreciation for life. If you feel worse as a result of your experiences, think about what changes could help. Explore new interests, such as taking a cooking class or visiting a museum.

Think better of yourself. Be proud of yourself. Trust yourself to solve problems and make sound decisions. Nurture your self-confidence and self-esteem so that you feel strong, capable and self-reliant. This will give you a sense of control over events and situations in your life.

Maintain perspective. Don't compare your situation to that of somebody you think may be worse off. You'll probably feel guilty for being down about your own problems. Rather, look at your situation in the larger context of your own life, and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.

The Forgetting, part duex

"Every morning is the same."

I tried to give her a synopsis of Groundhog Day and got a blank look. She didn't know who Bill Murray was.

"Nobody comes to see me."

My brother comes once a week, but she doesn't remember.

"My own sister won't come to see me."

"Mom, Aunt Linda has MS. She doesn't go anywhere. She's had it for a couple years."

"I never thought I'd end up in a nursing home. How long have I been here?"

"Over a year. You came here after your ankle surgery as a result from a fall and then had to come back for good because of your falling so you could be in a safe place."

"I hate it here."

We had parts of this conversation over and over and over. Time to gently exit.

"I'm glad I was able to come see you today. Usually I babysit my granddaughter."

"You have a granddaughter??"

"Mom, Katy got married and had a baby last year. Rob's son and his girlfriend did also and are expecting another baby soon. Don't you remember us coming at Christmas? Everyone brought their kids and babies?"

"I remember that day."

That day was very exciting for her, but we noticed that she didn't call any of us by name.

Depression

Author Tim Ferris listed "three concepts that I and others have found useful for preventing the inevitable ups and downs from becoming self-destructive thinking and behavior:"

1. Depression is just one phase of a natural biorhythm and thus both transient and needed...
2. How you label determines how you feel.
3. Gratitude training can be used pre- or mid-depressive symptoms to moderate the extremes and speed the transition.

Since I have bipolar disorder IMHO he hit the nail on the head for people who are not mentally ill. Reading the plentiful comments, I ran across the Ten Greatest Lies About Bipolar Disorder on Bipolar Central:

Lie #1:
You can survive without medication.

Lie #2:
You can’t control bipolar disorder.

Lie #3:
You only need the right medication and a great psychiatrist to be stable.

Lie #4:
Bipolar disorder is not a real illness, and not that many people have it.

Lie #5:
All people who have bipolar disorder are violent.

Lie #6:
People who have bipolar disorder can’t hold down a job.

Lie #7:
There is a machine or software program to scan your body or brain and determine if you have bipolar disorder.

Lie #8:
Someone with bipolar disorder will never get better.

Lie #9:
All psychiatrists are the same and give the same quality of care.

Lie #10:
There are natural proven cures for bipolar disorder that big business is hiding.

My crazy mother is driving me crazy

Mom is having a tough time at the nursing home - mostly from narcotic withdrawal. She calls a dozen times a day to complain about the staff - the nurses don't give her meds on time; they took all her over-the-counter meds; they aren't helping with her incontinence; someone stole money from her room; she doesn't sleep; she needs money; she's mad at my sister; she wants to review her will; she wants a new doctor. She may be able to get into independent living when the facility is medicaid approved, but that could be a while. She has bipolar and schizo affective disorders, Parkinson's, diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid imbalance, arthritis and a wide variety of aches, pains and complaints. I do not doubt that she doesn't feel good but she has been like this for over 30 years. If I run there (a 45 min. drive) to bring her stuff, money and meet with the staff, have lunch with her and spend 3-4 hours, she'll need the whole routine repeated. If I try to avoid her by not returning her calls, she gets desperate, angry, crying, leaving the same detailed message over and over. My psychologist says she's a manipulator. I need to set boundaries because it's spiralling out of control.

What Kind of Sandwich are You?

We've all heard about the 'sandwich generation' - those of us who have elderly parents who need care and children who are needing us for various reasons. I can relate to that - so if they are the outside - are they bread? Whole grain? Kaiser roll? Do they suck us dry with their absorbancy? Or hold onto us by having us in their pocket? If we are the inside, what kind of stuff are we? lunch meat? pb&j? Are we supplying valuable nutrients? Do we compliment our outside layers without overpowering? Or do we get too wrapped up trying to control how everything goes together? Are we stuck like cement or can we move about freely?

Living in a sandwich situation is stressful. There may be no escape, so coping adequately is important. Recently, I had to neglect my mom to take care of my daughter. Today I went to the nursing home and met with the social worker, the director of nursing, the business office and physical therapy to touch base, iron out problems, ask questions, placate mom mostly. She was having great difficulty with pain medication - wanting more and more narcotics. I thought we had cleared it up for her, but she's called 3 times tonight to say nothing had changed. She's just not going to be happy and I'm going to have to hear about it. She says all kinds of stuff that's not happening, but when I confront her she doesn't back down. This is part of her bipolar/schizo affective disorder. Her side of the sandwich is a crusty, moldy, nasty piece that makes me sick. I don't like to be around, but I deal with what I have to and not let her know how I really feel. Sounds like time for a trip to the psychologist for me!

My daughter's side is high maintenance, but not irritating. She needs support and help right now while recovering and her husband being gone for National Guard training until October. She is doing her best, trying hard and pulling her weight in the situation. She takes care of the baby - they are still nursing after all this.

Of course, what I'd like to be is an Oreo sandwich cookie, but you can't have everything you want - at least not all the time.

Oh Happy Day!

Finally! If you remember I posted about this in October. I will be looking forward to paying 1/3 of what I pay now for visits to the psychiatrist and psychologist.

No motivation

It's my day off (1 of 4 actually) and things are backed up here - laundry, dusting, etc. Any motivation would help. I did take out the trash, make my husband breakfast and lunch and....oh yeah - let the dog out and brought the paper in. Ok, those last two don't really count, but I'm claiming them anyway. If I can just get some dirty dishes in the dishwasher and a load of clothes started, that would be a beginning.

I'm what you'd call a Type B personality. Things that make it to my priority list absolutely, positively have to get done. Lately, the list has been pretty damn short. The dog and cat get fed because they can't make a sandwich. Ok, we had one slow cooker meal this week. Maybe we'll have another one today.

Back in the fall, I was feeling great and talked the psychiatrist into reducing one of my anti-depressants. That was the mistake: now I'm somewhat down even after increasing the dose back to what it was. Just waiting to feel better and realizing that I should just stay with what is working. In the meantime, I'm in slow motion, sluggish, got that sad in the chest and behind the eyes feeling and have been taking extra naps. I haven't exercised, but I did make an appointment with the psychologist. My daughter is coming over today - that will cheer me up. Maybe we'll go shopping - we've got gift cards from Christmas burning holes in our wallets!

So that's how it goes with me - for every negative thought, I've learned to counter with a positive. When I'm critical of myself, I make a point of noticing any little thing that I accomplish. And my greatest skill is patience - the ability to wait however long it takes to feel better. I've felt so much worse for so much longer, so I'm confident I will be fine soon. I just hope I don't worry my husband too much.

Would you? Or wouldn't you?

My son goes back to school after the holidays and learns that a classmate has committed suicide. The first day was unclear - heard there was an accident or he had hung himself. The second day confirmed the hanging. The obituary said he 'died suddenly.'

Before the holidays a girl stepped out in front of a train. Two trains were passing in opposite directions. She crossed after the first went by right as the second started to pass. There were counseling sessions at the school and memorials left at the railroad crossing.

Being familiar with suicide attempts via my mom, depression via me and my kids, I would choose to open up. But I understand and respect those families who can't face that. People say that there is nothing worse than losing a kid. Losing a kid to suicide is worse - lots worse.

I wish I were professionally qualified to speak at schools about depression and suicide. Depression can be fatal, but it is treatable. If your kid needed medication to treat an illness that could kill, you would make sure those meds got taken. But stigma - the idea that mental illness is 'all in your head' - prevents people from getting treatment or helping the mentally ill. Your brain is a part of your body. If your body gets sick, you go to the doctor and get treatment. Mental illness is the brain getting sick.

It is also a mistake to always dismiss kids' moods as normal adolescence. The best thing to happen to my kid was a unit on depression in health class in 7th grade. He was able to come home and say 'I feel like that.' The biggest challenge was finding a child psychiatrist. So I would like to think that I would open up to help other families.

I'm not criticizing anyone. I can't presume to know the dynamics of other families. We all do the best we can. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are affected by mental illness.

Go strait to hell - do not pass Go

This man claims self-defense in nun's death because she reached for her bible. He shot her five times and it seems that he did this for a rancher or group of ranchers. This area of Brazil has been a hotbed of violence over land ownership of rain forest. So there's two sides - ranchers who own land and have to make a living on the one hand. The other side is made up of settlers and rain forest advocates that are demanding land reform. There have been 1000 deaths in the last 10 years!

No matter which side you think is wrong, shooting a nun five times is gonna get you sent to the fiery big house for sure.

What would you sacrifice your life for? Besides my family, I haven't worked myself up to feeling that passionate about anything.

Mental Health Parity

When the body is ill, that illness is covered by insurance. The brain is a part of the body. Actually, the most important part if you consider stories such as Terry Schiavo's. The brain controls the rest of the body physically and houses the intellectual and emotional. We live in our brain, but if it gets sick, my insurance company makes me pay 3 times as much to see my 'brain doctor' as it does my family doctor. Plus there is a limit as to how many visits per year I can go to the psychiatrist or psychologist.

Why? My guesses:

• Insurance companies claim diagnosis is too objective e.g., no blood tests.
• Stigma - mental illness affects behavior and that can be scary.
• The misconception that it is not a bona fide illness even though it is widely accepted in the health field as biological and/or genetic.

Mental illness can be fatal by suicide. Most mentally ill are not criminals, although most criminals have a mental illness. People with mental illness want to get better, feel good enough to work and take care of their families, and be treated with the same respect that cancer, heart, and diabetes patients get treated.

Some states have mental health parity. Ohio does not. Does yours?

Beacon Journal 10/07/05

Mental illness deserves to be treated like any other ailment.
Ohio has won a five-year, $14-million federal grant to help transform mental health services. Gov. Bob Taft announced the award Monday. The grant was worth notice. It is another step forward in what is proving to be a long and difficult road: ensuring that mental illnesses are treated with the same urgency and level of care as other diseases.
Critical to this goal is providing health insurance coverage on a par with the coverage for other physical ailments. On Tuesday, a state Senate committee suspended hearings on a bill that seeks to do just that. Once again, on the question of parity in mental-health coverage, the Statehouse is dragging its feet, presumably analyzing the potential impact, a pattern of legislative zeal that has killed one parity proposal after another during the past 18 years.
The inaction has not been for lack of awareness that mental illness is devastating. Or that effective treatment enables most patients to lead productive lives. Or that inadequately addressed, mental illness exacts a heavy toll on the health-care system, social services and families. An estimated 30 percent to 40 percent of children in the child welfare system have a mental illness diagnosis. Among the homeless, 30 percent have a serious mental illness, as does 40 percent of juveniles in the justice system.
Senate Bill 116 proposes coverage for mental illness comparable to that for other conditions. The bill is limited to mental illnesses that are biologically based (such as schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive, bipolar and depressive disorders). Further, the bill nods to businesses, its staunchest opponents, exempting those that show the coverage would raise the cost of their health insurance by more than 1 percent.
Taft has opposed mental health parity bills on the grounds they impose costly mandates. In this instance, a separate bill to cover equipment and supplies for diabetics has become the convenient obstacle that could snuff the parity bill. The shame is Ohio pays a heavier cost for the failure to act.