The Rule of Four

I'm working on my thoughts about the 30 Essential Truths according to Dr. Gordon Livingston, author of Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, posted recently on Alex Blackwell's great blog The Next 45 Years. Some of them hit very close to home. This post is about the Fourth Truth. From Alex's blog:

4. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. For some, childhood was pleasant, almost idyllic. But for others, when there has been serious physical, sexual or emotional abuse it is important to recognize this and process this with a trained professional. No matter your past, change is the essence of life. In order to move forward in life we need to learn to live in the present.

This one hit closest to home for me.  How long can a situation that existed 30 years ago haunt someone?  Oh, about 30 years or so.  A professional can guide the process of recognizing past traumas.  To recognize is to identify the event(s).  This is different than describing - most of us know what happened to us.  In order to explain our past, we need to look at it through the eyes of an observer.  Why?  Because our vision is clouded by memories and stuck on rewind, playing the same tape over and over without alteration.  There are many other facets and by looking at them, we start to break up our tape.  Once the past is recognized, we are supposed to process it.  (put it in the blender and hit whip)

Progress; passage: the process of time; events now in process. To gain an understanding or acceptance of; come to terms with: processed the traumatic event in therapy.

An example: Mom has schizoaffective and bipolar disorders.  She has been hospitalized and medicated, received shock treatments and therapy, attempted suicide numerous times and spent days if not weeks in deep depression, locking herself in her room.  We were kids.  I was the oldest.  Sometimes she was manic, staying up all night playing the piano or rearranging the furniture.  On other manic occasions, she would go out drinking and playing cards (for money).  I remember feeding her, calling an ambulance when (and only if) she was unconscious, having holiday meals in the psych ward, seeing her restrained with leather straps, trying to take care of the four of us kids when she couldn't and having babysitters, nannies and grandma come before I was old enough.  I grew up picturing her funeral.  Every day.  For the next 30 years or so.  My psychologist pointed out many things that never entered my mind such as mom being extremely manipulative.  My dad would tell me that there was nothing I could do, releasing me from the burden of the responsibility I felt to make everything better.  A self-help book said that people learn good coping skills (as well as poor) growing up in an unhealthy environment.  When I began to hold on to ideas such as these, my mental recording that had been stuck on the previous description started to break up.  Just when I noticed that I was feeling better....

After living on her own and being stabilized as much as possible, mom fell and eventually had to stay in a nursing home.  When I go to see her, she is angry and says many of the things I heard as a child:  you kids don't care about me; I don't want to live anymore; I'm in so much pain, etc.  This took me back so fast, I physically felt the rush to the past.  Only this time, I wasn't a child who didn't understand.  Now I see much more and know that things will not change and that I should not feel guilty.  What I know and what I feel are quite different.  But this time, I know how to get help processing.

The New Guy

Aydn Robert

Sunday, June 1, 2008

7 lb, 9 oz, 17 in long

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

I ran across the 30 Essential Truths according to Dr. Gordon Livingston, author of Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, on Alex Blackwell's great blog The Next 45 Years. Some of them hit very close to home. This will be a post about the First Truth. From Alex's blog:

1. If the map doesn’t agree with the ground, the map is wrong. We are given mental maps as children. Our parents and other adults tell us what is right and what is wrong – sometimes they don’t always get it, well, right. Now as adults, when we find the maps we have relied on for so long can get us lost, we need to recalibrate and create more reliable guides based on what we now know to be true and where we want to go.

It took me a very long time to realize that changing my map would be good for finding my way. For example, a 'good guy' according to mom was someone who bought you nice things, had money, and treated you well. The goal: have someone, be dating, get married - anything else: failure. According to dad, a brain surgeon was the best job a person could have. He often told me that I could be a brain surgeon. When I became a college student business was the best major. When he told me the facts of life, he drew two squares: one home; the other work. He drew a line from home, saying 'you go to work' then going back the same way, 'and then you go home' You go to work, go home, work, home, work...and those are the facts of life.

My map says: A 'good guy' accepts your authentic self; cares about your needs and dreams; loves you. My map says: a relationship is not a requirement for life; you are responsible for your own happiness; in order to love you must love yourself first. My map says: follow your dreams; do what you love; don't forget to have fun. I'm not as cynical or practical anymore. I can look back and see the how and why of poor choices in relationships. My map will keep changing and improving my journey. How about yours?

Missing: One Gallbladder

Yesterday I had outpatient gallbladder surgery. It went very well. The last surgery I had was for a deviated septum and was not worth the pain and discomfort. My heartburn, acid reflux and nausea of the last couple of months became very annoying and I'm looking forward to having a happy gut. The endoscopy a few weeks ago was more distressing for me, but once past that, I felt fine. Because of my dad and daughter's difficulties, I was very apprehensive going in for the endoscopy, which is not like me at all. Since that was such a piece of cake, I was actually looking forward to the gallbladder surgery since I was so uncomfortable. Now I am gallbladder-less and recovering. The surgery was laparoscopic, which means the surgeon made an incision right below my bellybutton. But that's not all - oh no - there are three other incisions: one in the middle right below my sternum and two on the side around the gallbladder area. So my tummy is sore but the pain medication helps with that. I can't work or drive until I go back to the doctor in 7-10 days. Everyone at home is being very helpful - thank you to hubby, son, and the baby mamas.

The Gratitude Campaign

My son-in-law is being deployed to Egypt in September for a year. He is in the Army National Guard. He and my daughter have a one year old baby (Raelynn, the sunshine of my life) who is having a birthday party tomorrow! It is a wonderful thought to thank all of our military men and women who may be spending time away from their families to help defend our families and other families around the world.

Trauma Class

Hubby took a trauma class last week. They had cool props like wounds that squirted blood and got to practice sticking tubes down each others' noses. For example, they got to drag victims to safety:

Hubby's nose tube:

Rockabye Baby Rae

Rae came over this afternoon and was kicking back watching Sesame Street. Ain't she sweet?

First baby of 2008

The first baby born in our area this year has died. His dad was babysitting. He was taken to the hospital with "severe head and bodily injuries." After 13 days in the hospital, the mother made the decision to end life support:

On Good Friday, with three generations gathered around the hospital crib of Camryn Jakeb Wilson, the 2 1/2-month-old baby's mother made the hardest decision of her life.
She and her family were told by doctors at Akron Children's Hospital that Camryn had no brain function, could not survive on his own and would be on a feeding tube the rest of his life.
So, Crystal Wilson authorized ending Camryn's life support.

A picture of Camryn:

A Little American History

Betcha didn't know this story posted in the Devoted Intellectual. Not having visited, I didn't know and found it really interesting.

My aunt and uncle, a veteran of the Korean War, are buried there. How cool is that?

LERCH, LADYNE M
DATE OF BIRTH: 04/25/1923
DATE OF DEATH: 12/24/2004
BURIED AT: SECTION 65 SITE 1256
ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY
C/O DIRECTOR ARLINGTON, VA 22211
(703) 607-8000
WIFE OF LERCH, THOMAS F
LCDR US NAVY

LERCH, THOMAS F
LCDR US NAVY
WORLD WAR II, KOREA
DATE OF BIRTH: 11/18/1918
DATE OF DEATH: 07/03/2001
BURIED AT: SECTION 65 SITE 1256
ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY
C/O DIRECTOR ARLINGTON, VA 22211
(703) 607-8000

Happy President's Day and a heartfelt thank you to all of our troops.

The Forgetting, part duex

"Every morning is the same."

I tried to give her a synopsis of Groundhog Day and got a blank look. She didn't know who Bill Murray was.

"Nobody comes to see me."

My brother comes once a week, but she doesn't remember.

"My own sister won't come to see me."

"Mom, Aunt Linda has MS. She doesn't go anywhere. She's had it for a couple years."

"I never thought I'd end up in a nursing home. How long have I been here?"

"Over a year. You came here after your ankle surgery as a result from a fall and then had to come back for good because of your falling so you could be in a safe place."

"I hate it here."

We had parts of this conversation over and over and over. Time to gently exit.

"I'm glad I was able to come see you today. Usually I babysit my granddaughter."

"You have a granddaughter??"

"Mom, Katy got married and had a baby last year. Rob's son and his girlfriend did also and are expecting another baby soon. Don't you remember us coming at Christmas? Everyone brought their kids and babies?"

"I remember that day."

That day was very exciting for her, but we noticed that she didn't call any of us by name.

Help! I'm LOST!

Both my step-daughter and I were going to miss this week's episode of LOST. My cousin was in town and we were meeting him for dinner and she had a meeting. She said she almost rescheduled it. "I am going to have to tape Lost tomorrow night, because I have a meeting at work. I almost made them change it!"

I thought she meant the show - uh...she meant the meeting. Her reply:

And, yes, Lost is going to reschedule for me so I don't miss tonight's episode. LOL. That is funny. You make me laugh.

Oh, and have fun at dinner tonight. What time do you think you will be done? I will call Lost and make sure they don't air tonight's episode until you get home. I can identify with being scatterbrained! I laugh because I can relate!

Ah but in the end, all is not LOST because it's on TONIGHT! My step-daughter is incredible, don't you think?

My Little Rae of Sunshine

Rae Loves Orange Soda

Katy with Rae:

The Metallica t-shirt wearing Xbox playin' baby!

And she can play ping-pong!

Babies

It's the Little One (Rae) and the Big One (Avah). The cousins. The Camo Cousins. Sometimes referred to as twins by extremely confused strangers. They are cute, cuddly and drool a lot. I love them so much, it's amazing!

My crazy mother is driving me crazy

Mom is having a tough time at the nursing home - mostly from narcotic withdrawal. She calls a dozen times a day to complain about the staff - the nurses don't give her meds on time; they took all her over-the-counter meds; they aren't helping with her incontinence; someone stole money from her room; she doesn't sleep; she needs money; she's mad at my sister; she wants to review her will; she wants a new doctor. She may be able to get into independent living when the facility is medicaid approved, but that could be a while. She has bipolar and schizo affective disorders, Parkinson's, diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid imbalance, arthritis and a wide variety of aches, pains and complaints. I do not doubt that she doesn't feel good but she has been like this for over 30 years. If I run there (a 45 min. drive) to bring her stuff, money and meet with the staff, have lunch with her and spend 3-4 hours, she'll need the whole routine repeated. If I try to avoid her by not returning her calls, she gets desperate, angry, crying, leaving the same detailed message over and over. My psychologist says she's a manipulator. I need to set boundaries because it's spiralling out of control.

What Kind of Sandwich are You?

We've all heard about the 'sandwich generation' - those of us who have elderly parents who need care and children who are needing us for various reasons. I can relate to that - so if they are the outside - are they bread? Whole grain? Kaiser roll? Do they suck us dry with their absorbancy? Or hold onto us by having us in their pocket? If we are the inside, what kind of stuff are we? lunch meat? pb&j? Are we supplying valuable nutrients? Do we compliment our outside layers without overpowering? Or do we get too wrapped up trying to control how everything goes together? Are we stuck like cement or can we move about freely?

Living in a sandwich situation is stressful. There may be no escape, so coping adequately is important. Recently, I had to neglect my mom to take care of my daughter. Today I went to the nursing home and met with the social worker, the director of nursing, the business office and physical therapy to touch base, iron out problems, ask questions, placate mom mostly. She was having great difficulty with pain medication - wanting more and more narcotics. I thought we had cleared it up for her, but she's called 3 times tonight to say nothing had changed. She's just not going to be happy and I'm going to have to hear about it. She says all kinds of stuff that's not happening, but when I confront her she doesn't back down. This is part of her bipolar/schizo affective disorder. Her side of the sandwich is a crusty, moldy, nasty piece that makes me sick. I don't like to be around, but I deal with what I have to and not let her know how I really feel. Sounds like time for a trip to the psychologist for me!

My daughter's side is high maintenance, but not irritating. She needs support and help right now while recovering and her husband being gone for National Guard training until October. She is doing her best, trying hard and pulling her weight in the situation. She takes care of the baby - they are still nursing after all this.

Of course, what I'd like to be is an Oreo sandwich cookie, but you can't have everything you want - at least not all the time.

Missing Dad

The thing about the first Father's Day without dad is that this time last year we were all at the Outer Banks here. We had a hat and jacket made for dad that said 'Ernie' as a joke from the fishing charter trip the year before where the captain kept calling out to dad 'God damn it Ernie - get your bait in the water!' We put the hat in his casket. My brothers and I went to the cemetery yesterday. That's the first time I've been to a cemetery to visit - not attending a funeral. There's no headstone yet and there's grass starting to grow there. It's really not a place that I would 'visit' dad. It makes me think about the casket, the funeral home, and dad being sick. One of my step-brothers and his family went to the Outer Banks for vacation this year - now there's a place to be visiting and reminiscing. Hopefully, we'll be able to go next year. It will be different, but life is different now with dad gone and grand babies here. Life is changing all the time. Sometimes it takes me a while to rest in order catch up to the changes.

Catching Up

Since the last post, it's been crisis mode. My daughter had a hard time with her labor and delivery. She pushed for 4 hours after her epidural wore off and ended up having to get a c-section. A week after she came home, we took her back to the hospital(not the same one she delivered at). She had clotting, an infection and a ruptured uterus. She had to have surgery to remove the infection and clotting and repair her uterus. She had to get 4 units of blood during the surgery. They put a couple drains in and she had wounds on each side of the incision to heal from the inside out. She had 21 staples in her incision. Her temperature kept spiking and an infectious disease specialist came to take care of her antibiotics. A hematologist was called to evaluate her low platelet count. The hospital stay was 13 long days and nights since we had the baby there. She continued to nurse as much as possible and the baby stayed overnight. Someone had to be there round the clock, so I was the day shift and her hubby spent the nights with them. She is home now and I change her dressings and give her 2 IV antibiotics through her PIC line. The ob/gyn will see her Friday and the infectious disease doc will see her a week from Monday.

Poor kid - 20 years old and any future pregnancies will have to be closely monitored. She is not feeling well at all and I'm afraid this isn't over. It was agony to see her in so much pain during labor. We are all very unhappy with how her labor and delivery was handled and that she was sent home having had a temperature that day and a low blood count. Her husband leaves for National Guard training a week from tomorrow (as if she doesn't have enough going on).

Meanwhile, mom is freaking at the nursing home. I didn't return calls until yesterday. The doc is weaning her off pain pills (Oxycontin) and she is frantic. She still gets vicodin and all her psych meds. Based on prior experience, she is having a manic episode. The more my daughter and brother were ill, the more things she needed.

My brother ended up in the hospital the last few weeks of his cancer treatment. He had so much pain and was home alone for the most part, so being at the hospital kept him hydrated and gave him resources for pain management. He is home now and his treatments are over, but I haven't talked to him because of being busy with my daughter. It will take a while for him to start feeling better and being able to eat again.

I cut my hours at the library from 14 to 4/wk. My boss suggested just working Monday evenings instead of quitting altogether, so I took her up on it. I haven't been to work for a couple weeks anyhow. School is out which means I don't have to drop off/pick up my son every day. I've been really missing dad - it's hard to be going through this without being able to talk to him. Thank God for my husband who is so understanding and often asks what he can do to help me - he's given back rubs, done laundry, cleaned house, whatever I've needed. And this whole time I'm away from home. Yesterday I finally made it to the grocery store. Right before everyone starved, too!

And one bright spot - my son got a pet rat since his room has been clean for a few weeks (my husband cleaned it using the rake) so we are watching them bond. Hopefully, it won't get loose in the house - the cat and dog would have fun, but I would not like it.

Chemotherapy with my Brother

Yesterday I went to chemo with my brother. He's being treated for throat cancer which started with surgery to remove a growth on his throat, tonsil on that side plus lymph nodes in the area. The following week he had a feeding tube put in and since his stomach is under his ribs, needed to go to the hospital for the procedure. That was the night Dad died. My little brother and my sister-in-law had to go to the hospital and tell him the following morning. So he was to start treatment the following week, but we had calling hours and the funeral. He didn't take his meds before the first treatment and was pretty sick but got squared away on that now. He's getting 6 weeks of radiation 5 times/week and chemo on Fridays. Last Friday his wife was off for spring break and was there. The Friday before he went by himself. First he goes for radiation treatment which doesn't take too long and then to the cancer treatment center. They have small partitioned booths with an easy chair, a visitor chair, a TV and a small hospital type night stand. He already had his IV in his hand. They gave him 4 bags of stuff - the chemo (2 bags), anti-nausea med and saline. It takes 3-1/2 hours for all that to drip, one bag at a time.

He was glad I was there to help pass the time. I can be pretty chatty. OK, I can chat up a storm. We watch some funny sitcoms and fishing and Jerry Lewis in The Nutty Professor. I went to the cafeteria and got him some pudding and oatmeal. He says his throat is stiff, it's hard to chew stuff, he's lost his appetite and is nauseous a lot. So far, his main side effect is being tired. They were going to deliver his feeding tube food so he could start on that since he's lost weight. Hopefully, that will give him a little energy. I could tell he was scared and depressed. I'll be there next Friday.

Stuck in Newark

After a wonderful 2 week vacation in Europe, our flight back to the states was delayed 5 hours and we arrived in Newark airport to find that flights had been cancelled and delayed due to weather. So not only did we wait 5 hours in Milan to catch our 9 hour flight - now we're stuck in Newark! The airline got us a hotel and meal vouchers and we should be home later tonight. We are tired and grouchy and achy. I want to blog about our adventures in Europe! Hopefully I will get to that soon. While we were gone, mom got home from the nursing home but ended up back in the hospital - I guess they are waiting for me to get back to 'deal with' that situation. My dad was back in the hospital where they found he had a bleeding ulcer. So I will check on the two of them before we take off to Florida for my husband's family reunion on Saturday. My son and I are going to Universal Studios for a couple days and my husband is taking his son to Honduras scuba diving for his 21st birthday present. We are looking forward to having some fun!

Valentine's Day Wedding

Despite the blizzard, my daughter's wedding was wonderful. She looked beautiful!